Can I not even step up to the sink after taking a piss and wash my own hands like a big boy? I promise I know how. Not only did my mommy teach me how to wash up when I was three, I got a great refresher course on the finer points of hand washing when I got my food handler’s permit to work at the Arby’s in tenth grade. I know the routine, I promise: hot water, lots of soap, 30 seconds of vigorous scrubbing, then dry with a clean paper towel. I don’t need you to squirt the soap into my hand, and I definitely don’t need you to hand me paper towels - with your own filthy hands - out of the dispenser that is easily within my reach, but which I would have to reach across you to get at.